i'm back to type another meaningless post. there's so much to reminisce when playing avril's under my skin cd. it reminds me of tns again. him, again. he's ignoring by the way. definitely he will, it was a horrid picture of him aniwaes.
i don't knw wat's happening to me. i may as well be an introvert. i hardly want to talk to othr ppl anymore. even being online has added to my paranoia of ceasing to exist or be acknowledged by people. i am haunted by suspicion every moment, every look, every glimpse, every action.
when people talk to me, i always feel as tho that person is seething with anger and hatred. burning to kill. the desire for blood. the eagerness in destroying you inside-out. okayy, i know this sounds totally outrageous. but i definitely feel this way when i talk to some people. humans are complicated. you never know what they think of you. what they may do to you in future. you may seem really good friends now but after some big totally unintentional hoo-ha, you simply hate each other. the temptations of revenge. the lingering sense of adrenaline to sabotage and humiliate. they fill themselves with blind fury. to kill without any traces. okay that sounded like what i am. maybe it's just me. i dun think thr's anyone out thr who talks so much crap. i think too much. i see too much. i'm afraid of people crying. you feel so much pain in them when you see them cry. no, i dun think crying is a bitchy thing to do. some people's tear glands are indeed much easily affected. but - i think too much remember? it's unexplainable. i dun even knw why i'm saying all these stuff. i feel an urgent need to say all these. but i cant stop feeling ostracised. the gazes of other people shoot at you. you seem as tho you can tell wat they feel. however paranoid or cant-be-bothered you are. you cant deny the fact that the eyes tell you stories. it's blatantly obvious.
perhaps it's the gossiping and bitchings everywhere that's spinning tales in my head. for example: those obnoxious brats from my ballet class scruntinising others. they have nothing better to do. bitching around telling incredible stories to those who are stupid enough to listen. i have better things to do than to sit around, hear you people buzzing about my ear and be intently annoyed.
i'm suffering from serious paranoia. why cant i just turn off and be totally oblivious to everything around me? that could be jus the cure for my problem. but you cant help it. it's like opposite ends of magnets. it's unstoppable.
okayy i'm talking too much. and i'm back to my sadistic problem. the one which usually faces the computer's monitor screen. alter-egoed, you cant deny that.
the strong urge to kill. the undeniable waves of hatred coursing down your vein. she stole your life. made a hole in your soul. time never heals the bleeding wounds. they just continue till they're drained. wings have grown, they're all going away. subtle changes in the way your mind works. you want to scream. to kill. to cry. to hurt them. you feel as tho a part of you has been cut off from you. divided from your subconcious, you think everything is reality. in truth without deny. reality sucks.
gosh i sound like a psychopath.
siigh.

i'm aching all over.
my head is hurting from thinking too much. my eyes are aching from reading too much. my hands are hurting from writing too much. my left foot is hurting cos i accidentally dropped the hairdryer on it *ouch*. and for some apparent reason, my left sole is SORE. really really painful. almost unbearable. i cant do plies, no glisades, no jumps, no pirouettes on it. it hurts when ever i come down into a plie from a releve. OUCH LA. some more today ms lee made us wear pointe shoes to dance. crap la. i cant go on pointe with one foot. lols. i totally messed up that exercise. i jus realised that it's so much easier to do a pirouette with pointe shoes. LOLS.
i went for piano lesson first tis morning. argh. i got scolded for not practising scales haha. as expected. haha.
then i went to hv breakfast at mcdonalds. gosh. guess hu i saw thr. LIANG LAO SHI. stupid la. of all places?! wtf... and can tell she recognised me. ARGH. wtv lols. after tt i went up wit sarah to yamaha cos of ballet. hahs.
i still remember tt on the day b4 my grd6 ballet exam i got scolded by amelia cos for frowning. frowning over wat? MY SOLE. it hurt like shit. HELL I WAS IN PAIN. and i get scolded? aniwaes, many ppl din turn up for class today cos they went to do the Nutcracker audition. well, alisha and i call it the NUT audition lols. ms lee made us practise our pirouettes when one of our old seniors came in to talk to her. alisha bumped into desiree while practising her pirouettes and she fell. it was damn scary. nono, not the fall... alisha. i've nvr seen her drop a tear. yet when she fell, she started tearing. her face remained red like really long. really really scary. i mean like, how often do you see people cry? or rather tear which i think both of us prefer to call it.
gosh. after class alisha and i went to parkway cos my mum made me get Listerene for my brother. lols alisha was lyk WTF? haha.we went to guardian then watson. but no $$ how to buy? not ENUF money, not i dun wanna buy. lols i bought a packet of sweets instead haha. stupid alisha said it looked lyk condoms. hell WTF... well i kinda knew wat she was thinking... she was saying halfway and i ended up finishing her sentence. well after so many months hanging out together we do that almost all the time haha. nono, it's NOT mind-reading but well it'll be cool? haha. after tt, we took bus 196 hahs.
tis is most likely going to be an effing long post.
bah. i need to go to jun yan's house tmr to do a project. we've decided on using the song Once Upon A December from the Disney creation of Anastasia. i feel so slack.... tuesday common test is sci and geog again. i havent even started studying yet... and i've still got 50+ pages of my geog wkbk to do, the last 80 pages of the Firesong book to read and the rest of the HP6th book... siigh. so much to do, so lil time.
okayy... that line's like so totally cliched... but heyy... wtv.

people dun understandd abbreviations. i'll demonstrate a few:
wtf - what the fuck
wtv - whatever
stml - short term memory loss
stfu - shut the fuck up
wit - with
wth - what the hell

now... GEDDIT? i'm tired of ppl asking. and NO i'm not getting confused tt's why they all look the same. think again.
yayy. ramona added me to friendster liao haha. FINALLY. that took REALLY LONG. aniwaes, i went out for dinner as usual. guess hu i saw mann... GLENN ONG CHIN ZHONG. lols. of all freaking places and freaking ppl. he's damn close to his sis la. can tell. siigh.
interesting. ruici met boon tiong. hahs. i hv nvr seen him outside sch b4... unless u count the perth trip but we went wit the sch so tt doesnt count.
so not fair. people are lyk so close to their older siblings. eg. glenn and his older sis, alisha and her 2 older bros, elaine and her 2 older bros, tingfang and her 3 older sisters... so unlike me. less than 10 words between my brother and me. the only time we reach more than 10 words is when we argue. and it always gets to nowhere. and i'm freaking pissed over his intrusion of MY privacy of my friendster account. 18 PEOPLE OUT OF MY 96 ALREADY EXISTENT FRIENDS. okayy that was totally redundant. but i'm lyk really glad more than half has gone back online to add me liao. alisha was like so pissed when i told her she kena got deleted, she said "why of all ppl it had to be me?" lols alisha, i wldnt knw. but i'm thanking god he hadnt deleted my seniors or else i wld be so EFFING DEAD.
i'm really sian-ded now. siigh. i'll stop blogging now.
buaiis.

SCRAM

boredom kills.
okayy ALMOST. no lit lesson today. tchr absent again. garghs. i cant believe it lorh, tis week we had 4 tests.... horrid tests.
i dono wat to say la. feeling damn sian-ded now. finally... elaine returned my sch socks. sounds totally stupid but... yea. it feels like there is so much to say but when u're abt to type it out u kinda becum BLANK.
oh yea btw... inter foun exam on the 8th of sep. bah. exam studio at bt timah. want me to die arh... exam 9.30 in the morning. zzzz... bleh one of my exam grp member so freaking tall la. dots. overshadaowed? lols
getting lame...

SHOO.

omg geog lesson damn farnie today. for once la... usually geog wld be dead boring.
mr teo started on human geography. we did human population things. we were studying the graphs in the textbook... were toking abt the triangular thing la... then he was saying tt the graph showed tt in tt certain country, the birth rate and death rate was high. then he just went on and on. after tt, he elaborated more on the birth rate thing. he called it "mass production". but of course the class broke into fits of laughter cos to us it was really sick lols. then he wanted us to give examples of a country which has an annual population of something like that. we kept giving crap ans lols. then he said India. gahs. he said a really sick comment. REALLY REDUNDANT. i mean like come on. we ALREADY learnt those stuff. maybe it's just SY zai xiang wai. lols.
he is such a bad student. gahs. he cld actually pass his geog Os with studying just the last 3 chapters of his geog tb?! WTF? bleargh. he failed his lit cos he read the rong book? HAHS. loserr. durhh. totally retarded. i mean it's lyk kinda lame isnt it? he's like a geog TEACHER and yet? and he says doing exams are like "smoking" lols danielle, elaine, jia hui and i shouted at him saying "orh.... BAD INFLUENCE. what kind of tchr are you?!" lols. then he also talked abt his JC yrs. evil guy... pon so many lessons. lols he said he only bothered attended chinese and PE lessons lols. he said the sch wld lock the gates so he had to climb over them lols. he's got a lot of meetings wit the DMs and his principal. LOLS. still got many othr stuff he told us. but i dun tink i shld say in the blogg where EVERYONE can read lols. but the whole class just cant believe he was so notti last tym cos he's like our GEOG TEACHER la. i tot tchrs all goody-goody one lols.
ah... tonite got ballet again. i will hv to go on my own if i wanna reach early.. cos everytime my father fetches, by the tym i reach thr already late. SIIGH. i'm not feeling so stressed now... but i'm in a state of confusion of my emotions. i cant figure out wat i'm feeling. one moment i larf lyk an freaking idiot, the next moment tears just start to drip. i dono why. it feels really horrid. and many times i feel like shouting at people. maybe i AM still stressed. but not so badly?

infatuations don't last forever, and this is definitely not love.

whee we won RGS 34-32 for bball south zone match today.
ONG RUICI YOU EVIL POK.


" yellow and green our SC school badge and aint nobody is gonna be our match"

i hated the common test papers we had today. and i wasnt the only one. a lot of us werent able to finish our maths paper and hist jus plain SUCKED.
dance was DAMN FUN today. but very tiring oso lols. ms deans din do the teaching today. my HISTORY tchr did. lols she does dance btw and she's GREAT at it. i cant believe i'm saying that. dance wasnt totally ballet-ish. it was sorta lyk mordern/contemporary with ballet. but really really fun. i FINALLY got my dance t-shirt. lols. FINALLY la...
after tt, shanice, wei qin and i went straight for ms lee's class. jessica took the same bus as us. she gave me her whole packet of grapes LOL. haha.
alisha acted totally MORONIC today. she lyk toking to herself laiddt lols. then after tt she freaking AC. but i tink it was bcos an ex-vulture was around us while sarah wasnt here today... so she din really warm up to the ex-vulture. gargh. it's been long since i've seen her moronic. haha.
as for ms lee, she's no longer being oblivious to my existence.
my horrible discovery. i cant stand on one leg en pointe. my ankle totally collapses... TOO flexible; if thr's such a thing tt is. or maybe it's my pointe shoes? i find that they're getting really too used to my feet. even the tips are turning really flexible instead of the stiff and hard feel when i first got them. humidity problem? haha. my ballet shoes totally stink lols.
i'm crapping. i've still got so much hw to do.. SIIGH

I'll protect you, don't be scared
No matter what, I will be there
I'll be gentle, I'll be light
These are the words you whispered in the night

Here I am
Here I am

[Chorus :]
Now I'm standing in the cold
(Everything is said and done)
Atomic winter in my soul
(From the absence of the sun)
The only remedy I know
Is that I've gotta let you go

Here I am
Here I am

But where were you when I was scared
A broken promise left me here
A post-it note is what I've got
so
Here I am yeah
Here I am

[Chorus]

Here I am
Here I am

There will come a day when all of this is my in past
And there will come a day when you're out of my head at last
I'm trying not to fall
Damn it's such a long way down
But here I am

Yeah Yeah Yeah

[Chorus]

And Now I'm standing in the cold
(Everything is said and done)

Yeah Yeah Yeah

(From the absence of the sun)
The only remedy I know
Is I gotta let you go

Here I am
Here I am




bleh. i'm thr are quite a few songs tt keep ringing in my head... haha
this is how a heart breaks - rob thomas
here i am - marion raven
papa - vanessa carlton

I HATE BEING SCOLDED FOR NO FREAKING REASON.
or maybe paranoia's seriously taking me over.
but ballet today was TOTALLY HORRID. i meant the tchr tho. I DUN WANNA CARE ABT HER LIAO.

BOON TIONG'S GOT COLEEN IN HIS FRIENDSTER ACCOUT CONTACTS.
now tt's freaking unfair. she's frm 4SY. u hv NO IDEA how FREAKING SHOCKED i was when i saw her acc. OMFG. and in one of her pic got stella in the bckgrnd. no jun yan, i dun tink was any esther thr... i'll tell u if thr is lol. BUT STILL... 4SY! gosh. okay... maybe i'm just over-reacting. bleargh.

yayy! the dance performances are over... gosh i'm lykk horrible... i stepped on heather's and janices feet by accident. lol. cant believe i actually saw my maths tchr LOL. u knw wat? i fell over cheryl while jumping over her. ARGH. embarrassing. make-up was equally as horrid lor. sigh...
in the dressing room, ramona, cheng gong, liyee and i were telling ghost stories haha. so stupid isnt it? hehs. scared liyee out of her skin. when we finished changing into our costumes, danitza took a photo of us... LOL... with horrible make up... that was the plan haha. aniwaes, after the finale, the sec4s started to cry. well, most of them. hahas... emotional lot of ppl... got nothing to say lorh... wat's freaky was their make-up didnt even run!!!!! haha i'm bad... i'm lykk writing tis during comp studies? haha
okayy... after the whole fiasco, my dad din wanna pick me home. argh. horrid parents. wat was farnie was tt i had to sit cheng gong's car home LOL. sec4 sending a sec1 home. okayy to u it may be nthn but i've nvr tried tt haha. besides, kellie used my jacket at first... so cheng gong lent me hers. SO FREAKING HUGE. it could even fit julia and i in it. LOL.
io... i'm lykk so tired :'(... later still got piano lesson then ballet class. you know wat? my piano exam venue is all the way at TAMPINES. crap. some more at 11a.m. i dun need to return sch liao... lol... go bck oso kena scolding. SIGH.

the dance concert was effing great yesterday la. haha. the DANCE part was okay... but hated the damned make-up... till now i cant get rid of the damned eyeshadow. wtf.
today went to sch all sleepy... raining again!!! how horrid. for higher chinese today, ms soh loaned us chinese chess haha. she said tt we were supposed to group up in 4s and make sure tt we teach the ppl hu dono how to play in our group. elaine, jia hui, danielle and i were slackers la. so we sat together even tho we knew how to play lol.. cos elaine and jia hui were sitting right behind danielle and i. so lazy to move haha. gosh.. at first i tot it was going to be freaking boring cos jia hui and elaine are lykk so gonna win... but in the end? DANIELLE AND I WON BOTH GAMES. LOL. haha. the first one was kinda short, but the 2nd one took really long. elaine and jia hui were trapped in the end and WE WON. hahs. sorry la... rubbing it in heh heh.
during dance concert interval yesterday, alisha called haha. and wat's more.. i finally succeeded in doing my pose turns properly. haha. tis morning daryl told me ms lee had anthr guy student ytd. wat's more, her jumps really high. lol daryl... quit looking at guys HAHS.
okay... the last day of performance tonite. wish the SC dancers luck!!!

new seating arrangement in class now. ting fang is still sorta sitting nxt to me haha. but on my left now.. and got space between. she's sitting with michelle. now i'm sitting wit danielle. willa sitting wit jun yan. chi ying moved on from rachel KAM to rachel LEE. how interesting. jia hui's sitting with elaine and they're right behind me. YAYY. haha i lykk the new seating arrangement... but i pity yi chieh.. she gotta sit wit RK. SO SAD... sigh.
aniwaes, i LURVED today's chinese paper. lol. yea. i liked it. haha i'm seriously getting weird. but the paper was really my kind... even tho i kinda think tt we dun hv enuf tym lol. lit paper was a killer tho... i din knw how to ans a lot of e questions hahs. i'm so dead. after common tests was history... we only attended 20mins of it cos we had the sch annual health-checkup. it was until lykk 12???
jia hui and i went to the canteen after the checkup lol. it was the upper sec recess. and guess who we saw. ESTHER hahaha... jun yan's gonna be so jealous. haha okok i shall not rub it in. lol... i oso saw quite a number of seniors la. cos l8r got dance performance, the tchrs let the dancers off at 12p.m. hahs. tt's why i'm online so early. sigh performance later. i so reluctant... i dono how to get home l8r. kena too late no more buses i kenasai arh... damn... alisha they all got ballet tonite hahs. i'm out. my ballet frens are watching the performance tmr nite. embarrassing man. eurgh.

i'm getting really paranoid day by day. i went to sch as usual today la... but left for kallang theatre after flag raising cos of dance concert tmr. over thr i was sharing a dressing room wit cheng gong, kellie, amelia, danitza, kellyenne, charlotte koh and joey. poor cheng gong was the only sec 4 and char and joey were the only sec 2s... the othrs were lykk all sec 1s haha. how pathetic. ramona was in dressing room next to ours. watta weird chicken costume she had haha. our costumes are lykk all so freaking ridiculous... i lykk the choker from the saturday night fish fry costume haha. i'm so lame.
there's lykk smthn FREAKING wrong with me la. i was halfway listening to kellie's iPod shuffle and all of a sudden i broke down la. freaking wat the hell. i'm freaking PARANOID. insane. mental. i dono. I'M FREAKING MYSELF OUT. okayy wtv. i'm seriously insane.BUT WHY IN FRONT OF MY SENIOR AND those people. eurgh. i hate myself.
aniwaes... dance ended at 1845 instead of 1800 lykk they claimed they wld hv... bsides, i had to go to the library after tt... so by the time i got home, it was already lykk 1945? haha. horrible. LIFE IS HORRIBLE. okay i knw wat's wrong with me.
the root of the problem : I'M PARANOID.
i think the whole world is against me.
i feel lykk the whole world hates me.
i'm tired of how PARANOID i get when those damned bitches look at me.
i'm SICK of BITCHES.
i'm SICK of THE WORLD.
i'm SICK of MY LIFE.
i HATE THE WHOLE WORLD.
i hate MYSELF.
argh. and cheng gong... it's not teenage angst. i think it's stress. okayy maybe u're right but... I DUN FREAKING CARE.

went to kallang theatre yesterday morning for stupid technical rehearsal la. then by the time i got to ms lee's class already late... sigh... we went on demi-pointe even tho we wore pointe shoes... stupid la... my damned ribbons broke. hahs.
after class... alisah went ovr to my hse. b4 we went to fort canning green for Ballet Under The Stars. she so prhgging thick skin haha. when my mum asked if she wanted noodles, she agreed immediately lol. stupid alisha. STOP SLAMMING MY PIANO KEYS. hmph. hahs. guess how we went to FCG... my father drove my mother, my sis, alisha, sarah, deborah and i. crazy lorh. at the back squeeze 5 ppl. the show was kinda ok la... i saw wei jia btw... we bought a beach mat and guess how many ppl sat on it lorh... beatris mum and my mother sat at the stairs tho... while lee hung, lydia, alisha, wei jia, feng yi, sarah and sarah, deborah, my sis and i sat on the mat. horribly squishy. and i oso bought a new shirt hahs. i'm so bo liao... after the show, deborah's dad fetched her home... while sarah and alisha went wit my dad's car oso... dropped sarah at parkway... cos it was kinda late.. so we drove alisha all the way bck to her house. sigh. SO PRHIGGING FAR. dots...
eurgh... too much junk food.

warh for the past few days i havent been sleeping at normal times... yesterday even beta... i had to do hw until 1.30a.m. crazy man. then i went to sch as usual lor... then got dance again. stupid la.. i hit the damn barre and scratched th 4th finger of my left hand. bled la of course. but hu cares lol.
after dance was the s'capade.
so damn cool. but jun yan - as expected - kept staying near esther. okay i have to agree, esther's cool. not lykk the one i knew in tns. lurve the music. damn nice. a few of the dance seniors performed an item. sarah dropped her cap halfway tho.. and bea kinda tripped. but still... VERY NICE. hahs. so proud of my seniors. lol. aniwaes, we were provided with water. i dono how many i used haha... used- not to drink, but to pour at ppl. here is the list of my victims.
-jun yan
-chi ying
-jessica murray
-jessica mallek
-ramona [the best victim of all cos she screamed ((:]
hahs i'm so evil. i even bully seniors. haha. but then again - hu cares?
i so CAN wait for next week... i'm lykk so tired... i dun wanna do the performance. i jus wanna sleep. and i'm damn reluctant to do my wire-art sculpture, my geog wb, ALL MY HOMEWORK. and the book slaves of mastery i havent even finished it yet... i jux started reading it lykk yesterday cos i read soceress at first... then by wednesday, book overdue liao leh... some more i wanna read firesong... then tmr harry potter book 6 coming out. but i tink i'd rather buy 3 mths l8r when the price decreases ((: and besides, i wun hv the tym to read now... so i'll have fight the temptations to spend almost 50bucks for that book.
you know wat? i lykk the mid-autumn celebration in tns beta than the s'capade in sc lorh... they lykk so dull laiddt... and the area of partying so small.. in tns u walk around EVERYWHERE. from the hall, to the assembly area, to the parade sq, to the canteen, to the field - best place, and u practically SCREAM outta ur lungs. i tink i din lykk the SC one more cos SOME ppl i went wit refused to loosen up and SOME ppl had to rub it in when i was late cos of piano lesson. fucking hell. eurgh

FYI: piano exam in 18th aug
NTS: PRACTISE SCALES. for goodness' sakes...

To: XX-XXX,
I just want to let you know that I've not forgotten you... yet. Tell me how I can possibly do that after being classmates with you for 2 years. Yes. 2 short years and I can tell how absolutely bitchy you are. I seriously wonder how on earth I could get along with you in the first 2 terms when I knew you. There I was, sitting next to you all gullible and thought that you could be trusted. You proved me wrong. You were the first and most sickening bitch I've ever seen. Cunning, yes.
Last year, it had gotten worse. You filthy little backstabbing bitch manipulated other blind bitches. I've seen your trick, so did many others. Many people hated you, they even started a hate club. When you found out, you had to get your father to shut it down. Useless you truly are. You thought you have gotten rid of all those people who hate you. YOU ARE WRONG. You're reputation was tarnished. It left a mark on your past and it can never be erased. Use your empty head and think. Think why was there a hate club in the first place. It's not entirely their fault they started that. Have you ever wondered why they hated you so much? It takes two hands to clap. Don't push the blame all to them.
Well, XX-XXX your filthy being should be banished from existence of any form. In short, I hate you. And if I'm not wrong, so do many people. They did detest you, they still do. Trust me on that.

here's wat's coming up this week.

1. 15th July 2oo5 - S'capade, only for SC or ex-SC schgirls.
2. 17th July 2oo5 - Ballet Under The Stars, Fort Canning
3. 19th July 2oo5 - Bouquet of Dances, With Love ( 1st night )
4. 20th July 2oo5 - Bouquet of Dances, With Love ( 2nd night )

horrible isnt it... argh. and i still cant jump over cheryl LOL. my new tchrs in sch now are lykk so... blearghh... eurgh. BLEH. sigh i dono how to describe.

HISTORY- miss quek. her face so -bleh- that i cant bear looking at her. the first time she wrote on the whitboard, her handwriting was TOTALLY ILLEGIBLE. her american accent is okay, but the slang drives me mad. after every 2 to 4 phrases, she'll go either "nevermind" or "whatever" in that american way.. that totally pisses us off...

GEOGRAPHY- mr teo. he's kinda okayy la... at least he doesnt drone on and on lykk mrs mao... but he's not in depth enuf... he skims across the surface of our textbook refusing to say anything more. and you know wat mr teo? i find your "stars" thing TOTALLY LAME. it's so phreaking primary sch? and we are not geog experts lykk YOU. we're students la for goodness sakes...

thank god that mrs kee's being nicer than last semester now, even tho we still find that she's much nicer during theory classes than practical classes. i wonder why? and according to SE, they say mrs fern's much nicer now. lol i guess? after being spoilt by chocolates haha. and btw... mrs fern's changing our seating arrangement tmr... i seriously hope that i wun sit wit RACHEL KAM. i'll pray for the next pitiful sitting next to her.
i so cant believe i totally forgot that it was good charlotte's concert ytd... HOW COULD I?!??!! haha jia hui went... scho phrigging lucky. hmph. envious we all are... esp danielle. that's an understatement lol.

screw that ms lee. scold me for no hell of a reason. and sarah's freaking alisha and i out... argh. she turning kinda VULTURY. eck eck. my 'tarrdd chairperson turning vultury. argh. KICK HER OUTT lolx. but she's freaking all of us out. eurgh.
ruici and i reminiscing the primary sch times we had haha. it's was really wonderful... digging up stuff that are thrown so far behind in our memories haha. stupid art. i decided on doing cats haha... so now i'm off to sketch cats. LOL. buaiis

i'm bored. VERY bored to be exact. i've got so much hw... i gotta finish them soon.. cheng gong burned me 3 cds. arh so nice of her hehs. she got ramona to pass it to me tho. yesterday's dance was okay la... but today ended so late that wei qin, shanice n' i danced for hardly an hr in ms lee's class. damn it sux to do centre-work in pointe shoes cos ms lee ask us to go on demi pointe only... my friends feel their toes but i feel the soles?? haha. then we did that stupid towel thing. deborah you lil cheater bug... your towel so preaking LONG. actually there's nthn much to say othr than i seriously hope that my parents wld stop comparing me wit my bro. it's not my fucking problem that my pro aint as pro as his. wtf la. damn buggers... THANK GOD they lemme watch ballet under the stars, if not i'll stage a cold war against them. SUTPID LA. sigh, angst beyond words. you know wat? vanessa carlton's album Harmonium is great. it sounds great when you sit in a dark room all alone while hardly any sun shines by the window. how atmospheric lolx.
nostalgia, damn that thing. now i'm lykk stoning to the CD every now and then... remembering things that happened in primary school. from p1 i can only remember how stupid tommy lim disturbing me during my maths exam cos he kept preaching about christianity. and how that stupid lim han ren complained that he couldnt see the white board during chinese cos he keeps leaving the damn glasses of his in his sch bag instead of wearing it. and on the first day of sch was a bit of shock for me too cos i found out i was in the same class as greg lolx. in p2 i dun remember much... or maybe not now. argh the sun's shining in. eck eck. oh now i remember some stuff in p2, samuel and i couldnt stop arguing over lining up cos we were partners, tchrs made pupils hold hands but we held wallets instead lolx. childish werent we? in p3 this i remember vividly... on the first day of school, i suprised han ren by making a wonderfully strong grande battement at his sch bag lolx. then priscilla and i joined angklung. that was when i met wei jia i suppose? also in then, was the year zi wei joined us... i still can remember how much she liked powerpuff girls then haha... and she was damn freaking quiet, but after months with priscilla, she became very different. for the better i thought. but in p4 things got so bad that a total of 6 ppl got into trouble with the discipline mistress who is like now my scgs sch ex-ex decades senior. haha. interesting how fate plays jokes on living things... arh in p5, where my social circle crushed cos of goh si-pei. and when jason became hearthrob of the class... esp 3 of the girls in my class... but to me, he was a stuck-up, annoying brat who bullied my friends. in the same year, ruici and i became classmates even tho we knew each othr since p1, but that was when we became really close friends. she would tell lame jokes to cheer people up and suprisingly they work! haha. then nearer to the end of that year, jia ying and i found out about more of each othr, soon she fetched me home after sch haha and we created havoc at piano lessons ((: by the end of the year, i had 3 really close friends. nadine, ruici and jia ying. they meant the world to me. they're not wat u call popular kids in sch but they were people you can confide in. in december, i went to perth with the school. unluckily, i shared a room with esther and a girl, jing huan, whom i was a total stranger to and was 1 yr my senior. i remembered esther had this really serious fever and stuff... we even got locked out of the hotel room once haha. we hung out alot with priscilla and her roomates too... she was so unlucky, to be in the same group as boon tiong... he gave her hell everyday, as wat i saw... and when we took the flight to singapore from perth, my airplane ticket was unluckily arranged with that deranged baboon but i din really know him then, so wat harm was there? but i still changed seat with someone else eventually.
in p6, my worst nightmare come true as i anticipated cos boon tiong's name was before tommy's i had already figured out that after being 5 years after my register number, it was boon tiong's turn. HORROR. we had to sit at the bck of the class some more. many things happened and the class started rumours. things that are so freaking not true. i had to survive till the end of PSLE. but after that kai chee, tommy, him and i were sent to 6D, han ren's class, while many students went on the chinese immersion trip. 5 days stuck in that classroom without any other people i know very well. it was a living nightmare. 5 days we played card games and stupid stuff with miss heng, the 6d form tchr. fun? if you consider "spending 5 days not in your own classroom hanging around with you're to male classmates cos the girl's reallie quiet" fun, then i've seriously nothing to say, but you have to say you miss the year in p6. the most rushing yet fun year, the year when i went out my friends ever so frequently even though it was to only parkway. i had never imagined myself in a girls' school then. i was so sure that i would put DHS as first choice in psle choice of sec schs... but in the end? where am i now? you never do know wat will happen do you? i guess...

Dear Life,
You are getting out of hand. You are getting nostalgic. Stop missing what you had before. It stops you from moving on with life. It's your fault for not appreciating what and who you had last time. You were just ignorant to acknowledge them. They's gone now, it's too late for regrets. Don't keep hanging on to yesterdays. There's always a new day dawning called tomorrow. Tomorrow is filled with hope - or that's what they always say. Fall to sleep. You will wake up to a new day where it marks another important time in your life. Your problems, of him, of people, of paranoia, of everything, learn to let it go. You will learn how to make your day happy. Don't keep thinking that everything is miserable. You have barely passed 13 springs, you are far too young to end. Will you keep moving on? Keep on overcoming the abstacles coming your way? Are you going to show that you care? Will you stop being so paranoid. Hiding in your hole will make your worst nightmares come true. Wake up. You know very well that there are many people who care and acknowledge your presence. They know when you feel frustrated, agitated, overjoyed, unhappy, but they choose to let you be. You are getting oblivious towards it. Face it. The further you run away from reality the more painful it is to accept it. If you keep going on like this, you will lose your fighting spirit as I am sure you can feel that. You feel as though you are falling apart, but is that not what all of you go through? You are getting tired. So lethargic that you are losing the will to live on. Prove me wrong. Use time against me. I know you can.

boredom. geog sucked, history sucked today. the first three periods in sch was lykk free period!!! no tchr othr than to sit in and listen to us crapping abt our lives to our frens. hahs. aniwaes...
after recess was geog, science, and history. me teo nvr explains stuff... he jus leaves us students all blur and everything... and the history tchr made jun yan and i sleep... sigh. CANNOT believe she does dance la. it's lykk bu ke si yi. her face lykk kena wanna get slammed by car laiddt... haix... yar larhx being rude i knw lolx. but she really arh... cannot tahan. sigh. so much hw. got geog, chi, sci, and i dono wat else. i MADE an effort to listen in class tho. well at least i tried haha. ((:
almost to the end of hist lesson, i received an sms frm cheng gong and sarah. i got ticked off by cheng gong for using fone during class lolx. haha. as for sarah, she said she not coming for class again today. sigh. i oso dun feel lykk going. i'm damn sian la.
isnt it great.. ballet again tonite. i gonna die of exhaustion liao la. and i still cant get my parents off my bck. damn irritating u knw... preaching every now and then. i guess that is wat parents specialise at? haha.
i cant wait to get back my ballet results. i wanna know how badly i've done... -sniff- as i said... i fell during adage... i'm so gonna get freaking low marks. besides. i like seeing the certificates. lolx weird you say? YEA. i know haha.
i've got nothing else to say. nothing much isnt there?

i'm cracking. cracking lykk a nut. okay tt was lame. but my attitude problem syndrome's bck. it's hauting my social life once again. i hv no idea wat happened yesterday la. as usual i went to sch lorh. then went for dance. i din go wit the rest cos they went debating. i was suprised to actually see cheng gong there. it's been lykk 2 terms since i've seen her bck in the dance studio liao.
i learnt a lesson. NEVER PUT RAMONA AND CHENG GONG TOGETHER. they'll make you larf till ur stomach muscles conract so freaking badly lolx. gosh those two call themselves juvenile. i guess i gotta agree. ramona's freakishly BENDY fingers and cheng gong's double jointed arm. lolx. so damn funny ARRHAHAHAHAHAH. hehs. got direct bus frm sch to home now. so happy lolx.
after dance yesterday, cheng gong and i took bus 48 all the way to Parkway Parade. i had ballet u see hahaha. she said i was sadistic on the bus. thank you dude, i know i am. ((: lolx... we kept blabbering in the bus... hahs. then i tried getting alisha to come earlier so tt she can come over to KFC and meet us first. so cheng gong and i were lykk shouting at each other at the phone hahs. alisha tot i was mad i bet. LOL. but cheng gong left early la. her mum or dad i dono la went to pick her up.
stupid alisha got so shocked seeing me wearing contacts. WHAT LAH. CONTACT LENSES ONLY WAT. MAKE SUCH A BIG FUSS FOR WAT?! lolx. then she said she wanted to get a birthday present for Cheryl... as in camille's sister. she looked so phreaking retarded in orange. kinda reminded me of a pumpkin HEHS. i'm evil. then i went up for class wit her but she din dance... still sick. lolx get well soon woman... sarah weird... she din wear the white blouse of the TNS uniform... so she looked as though she was wearing my sch uniform LOLX. alisha said we looked lykk sisters. THAT IS SUCH AN INSULT! haha just joking sarah... wat's more... RACHEL TOT WE WERE FROM THE SAME SCH. in a way that statement is correct cos i WAS from TNS... but COME ON MAN. lolx. after class.
that's when my attitude problem acted up again. HURRAH - sarcasm. alisha kept asking wat's rong with me. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?! sigh wtv la. i DREAD talking now. i mean as in literally talking. typing is okay tho. i woke up ans went to sch as usual today. but sprouting more vulgar than usual. and i jux made chi ying they all so fucked up while doing group work. actually it was their problem. they kept larfing and playing. some how i got pissed for no hell of a reason and started screaming at them. okay... not screaming at them. but i BADLY wanted to... mrs fern gave us free chocolates today! THAT i guess was the only thing that went well today... othr than that. after sch i totally missed my first bus thanks to that blind and totally oblivious bus driver who din even see my arm moving up and down. STUPID BUS. hrmph.
in sch today. SOME ppl jux totally got me so pissed. i'm not mentioning names. BUT I AM DAMN FREAKING PISSED LA. HELL PEOPLE JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP. damn bitches. HELL TO YOU. argh. teenage angst- or so cheng gong calls it. Hell... this is such a long post. but i've got so much angst bottled up. and i cant mention names. cos some one's bound to read this. BUT ARGHGARGHARGH. so FREAKING FUCKED UP. eurgh. talking about them already makes my blood boil. for all you know after so many suicide cases i might be the next one going.
let's list out suicide ways.
-slitting of wrists. the pain. i dun hv a high tolerance for pain.
-jumping down the building? NO! i might chicken out at the height lolx.
-stuffing down with fats and die frm heart attack. not a bad idea... but at this rate i might only be able to die when i'm 50!!!!
-poisoning. cyanide wun be a bad idea... wonder how it tastes lyk... wat if it's BLEH. hehs.
-cutting across the throat. it's just as bad as slitting wrists.
and the list goes on. how i seriously wonder ppl manage with these stuff.. doesnt it lykk hurt?! and what if u survived? u wld hv to go lykk psychiatrists and the sch mite strip you down of any posts. and wat's more ur frens mite shun u away. hu the hell wld hang out with a mental depressed sadistic psycho? well me at least... i tink?

sigh. the whole day i've been dealing with blogs... first class blog, then jun yan's, then mine. to be exact i've been dealing with a lot of html colour codes. now my brain's tuning out. i've edited my tag board so many times. from red to green to blue to purple to many other unmatching colours until i stuck with orange lolx. then for jun yan's blogg, i had to play with colours again... sigh. html codes can drive a person mad...
today's youth day la... tt's why so much tym online. but later still got ms lee's inter class. sian la... alisha and sarah not going. sigh. most likely "vultures" not going and i could be the only person thr. EURGH. bad thoughts. kaex... i'm getting on with emotional side now.
life is HORRIBLE. okay not THAT horrible. but it's enuf to drive one to the brink of insanity.
i've had enough liao la. parents lecturing over the slightest things that happen. lykk yesterday: dropping of the damned door key. they keep saying i dun study. lykk come on. when i study they're either sleeping or watching tv. turning totally oblivious to me. and when my sis drives me nuts, they SCOLD ME FOR asking her to shut up. OH WHAT THE FUCK. she'd DISTURBING ME. hell... as for HIM... i've gone nuts. every second, every minute, every moment he pops up in my head and gets me all distracted. be it hate or love. i'm definite it's a obsession. one that you cant escape even though it's been about 5 months since i've last seen him. about 2 months since i've last heard his voice. but WHY DO I EVEN CARE? i don't know. THAT's the problem. nuts i am. i think i lykk him but then again. i turn stony when i see him. i go all... rough, un-me. sorta cold and sarcastic. and he, i bet, thinks that i totally dun act lykk a girl and finds me a weirdo compared to the other girls in class last year. argh wtv. i cant control what i do when he's standing SOLID in front of me. acted so much that now it becomes a natural reaction. i guess that's what's up with humans. YES i knw i'm not making any sense. but u see. this GIRL is not those happy cheerful bitches u find on the street everywhere. this girl is deluded with dark stories and DOES not believe she is ever going to be the same as others as much as she wants to be. okay. i'm seriously crapping. i have no idea WHY i said that. but hey wtv. it IS wat i hv to say... somehow??

oh poor alisha. she must be so pissed. HAHAHA. hehs. she tried to pull the collar of my shirt. when she did. i retaliated and pulled hers. HAHA. i pulled with so much force tt she backed off to check the length of her collar. harh alisha, serve u rite. she tried to grab my shirt, then i jux anyhow grab a part of her shirt la. hu knws. i accidentally grabbed the top of her pants HAHAAHAHAHA -insane here-. aniwaes. she was sick so she din wear her leotard. she not even dancing aniwaes. i din dance either. my flu's driving me mad. my brain isnt working properly either. but i WORE LEOTARD. hehs. -i'm still laughing alisha- =P. hoi dun say i pervertic la... u started tt first hor.
siighs.. i wanna watch war of the worlds. alisha not going wow wow wet tmr cos no one frm our gang, or so ms lee calls it, is going. `lisha cant swim so if she goes, none of us will be there to be with her and she'll hv to spend 9 hrs with the "vultures". sadded. hehs. besides, after outing still got class.. mite as well stay at home lolx. as for sarah.. she knitting her damned scarf so she's skiving off tmr's inter class. freak man. i'm damn sure those f.vultures will be slacking too.
when i got home after ballet, i dropped the house key into the drain. wat damned luck man. when i told my parents i got a scolding. LYKK MY FUCKING PROBLEM. accidentally drop wat. not as if i threw it down or wat. bsides, it fell out of my wallet so it wasnt lykk i was careless or wat. damn parents. when do they ever understand. then i took tis wire hanger and untwisted it so tt i cld pick the damned key up wit the hook at the tip. luckily i got it bck... if not i'd be in for another scolding. stupid brainless gits. hrmph.
yesterday dad drove to keppel cos he said thr was a place to eat seafood thr. wtf happened was it was closed. then he tried harbourfront but he didnt wanna w8 for carpark... so he drove on and on. then he suggested SAFRA. but thr's lykk NOTHING for dinner thr lor... so he drove all the way to Tiong Bahru. OF ALL PLACES. we ended up STUCK in tt stupid Tiong Bahru plaza carpark. the spaces were so small tt my father could hardly bear to drive without being overly cautious so as not to collide with anyone or scratch anyone's car... then when we came out, he drove around Bt Ho Swee.. then he ended in Bt Merah. after lykk HOURS, he finally decided to eat at tanjong pagar. siow. tt restaurant we went offered free dessert. now THAT as some dinner. stupid la... delay so much and waste our time. it seems lykk every thing with the initial BT or the word TIONG is jinxed all he fucking cares is if i'd finish my homework. hell no. i've got extra holiday hw. if i can finish so fast i'll be lykk NERD?! now i'm seriously off to do my hw.

"say goodbye to all the vows you take.
say goodbye to life you make.
say goodbye to the heart you break
and all the cyanide you drank"
-my chemical romance [to the end]

the poem frm the previous post is a poem i found on a website which i anyhow clicked lolx. but aniwaex, yesterday ms lee said she is taking us out to wow wow wet nxt monday cos it's a public holiday... not tt i'm not interested... but mum's complaining for SOME APPARENT reason i hv no idea why. man these ppl hv no idea how parents shld be lykk. they shld hv seen tis guy and his mum on the bus yesterday. yes no doubt i found the boy slightly rude, but he's only a primary sch kid. his mum was very encouraging of everything he suggested. even when she wasnt agreeable to it, she kindly talked him out of it. as for my parents. they'll threaten you out of it lykk as though there's no way out. full of shit they really are. i remember in p4 when my mum scolded me and i got so pissed tt i swore in my diary. somehow when i was in sch, she found it and i got a scolding frm her and she made me tear it away. truthfully, i DO NOT regret wat i had written cos that IS how i feel. and besides, YOUR child, ME, has her own privacy. YOU being HER parent doesnt give YOU the right to interfere into her privacy. darn heck i dun even tink they wld understand tis. they say ppl no wear clothes look so beng/ lian... but they themselves look so obiang. wtf la. come on. EARTH TO THEM - we're living in the 21st century. go bury ur head in a hole and be an ostrich. nobody's gonna stop you. ok, enuf lamenting. today in sch i almost fell asleep in all lessons. lit tchr not in sch again, so chiying, junyan and i spent the last period talking abt bloggs... after sch, i went to the comp lab 3 to do some blog editing for chiying and junyan. nthn else to do u see... sigh. come bck home and risk getting scolded again? yar i did. mum's lecturing again. for goodness sakes... it's the weekends. damn it larhx... gimme a break.

Reluctance
by Robert Frost

Out through the fields and the woods
And over the walls I have wended;
I have climbed the hills of view
And looked at the world, and descended;
I have come by the highway home,
And lo, it is ended.

The leaves are all dead on the ground,
Save those that the oak is keeping
To ravel them one by one
And let them go scraping and creeping
Out over the crusted snow,
When others are sleeping.

And the dead leaves lie huddled and still,
No longer blown hither and thither;
The last lone aster is gone;
The flowers of the witch hazel wither;
The heart is still aching to seek,
But the feet question "Whither?"

Ah, when to the heart of man
Was it ever less than a treason
To go with the drift of things,
To yield with a grace to reason,
And bow and accept the end
Of a love or a season?